I really do love money. I love having it and spending it. I can’t count the times I have blown through cash and then turned around with no memory of where that money went. Finally coming to a place where I am comfortable living in poverty has been a long journey. It is not an unnatural place for me to be, however, because when I don’t have money, I spend no time thinking about the things I don’t have. But the minute I have cash in my pocket, my eyes immediately see all the things I don’t have. Things I want to have. Things I seemingly cannot live without.
God, who is ever merciful, is actively answering my daily prayer that I am not led into temptation. I have moved into a place in my life where I can peacefully reject all effort of private or personal ownership. After years of fantasizing, I know now that I will never win the lottery or have a long lost uncle leave me a bucket of cash. I will never own a house or have a nest egg on which I can retire. It is a shameful reality that I have shown myself to be untrustworthy, over and over again, to make Godly decisions with large amounts of money.
I cannot be faithful with hundreds or thousands of dollars, but I can be faithful with five or ten dollars. So I accept what little I have while promising that everything I have belongs to God, to be shared with others as He directs me to. And as God protects me from wealth, He is also protecting my soul. He knows my weakness and by giving me a desire to seek poverty and share what little I have, He is showing me a path to heaven.
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